The Art of Weaponised Incompetence

Tessa seems to be completely clueless or incompetent, but she somehow always manages to get what she wants. On certain days, she seeks advice from her friends regarding matters that she pretends to have little knowledge about, but they end up helping her to complete the task. At times, when given responsibility, Tessa appears helpless in order to elicit pity from others who later willingly do things for her, and she makes sure that they do not feel like they are giving up their valuable time for her through her sugar-coated words. Well, if you have a Tessa in your life, it’s possible that you’ve experienced weaponized incompetence – a manipulative tactic that involves feigning ignorance with the aim of avoiding responsibility or achieving a specific goal. This phenomenon has been observed in various domains, but this article will explore how people use this deceptive strategy in family dynamics.

Imagine a newlywed couple moving to their dream apartment to start their journey together as a family. The husband grew up in a patriarchal household that did not favour the idea of men doing household chores and therefore has to rely on his wife even for the simplest task of washing his plate after each meal. Deep down, he loathes household chores and considers them to be something that doesn’t add any sort of value to his life. Since he has no intention of helping his wife he keeps telling her, “I’m not at all good at cooking or cleaning, but you’re definitely a Monica when it comes to these things” and constantly showers her with praises regarding how clean their apartment is and how delicious her food tastes. The husband’s goal is to simply get out of doing things that are out of his comfort zone and he uses ‘weaponised incompetence’ to relieve himself of the responsibilities he wants to avoid.

Anyway, his wife does not complain about his reluctance to help her with domestic duties as she knows that her husband being the sole breadwinner is struggling to make ends meet and therefore deserves royal treatment when he’s home. She enjoys being a stay-at-home wife and leads an extravagant lifestyle. She understands that in this hyperinflationary reality, an average household requires two incomes to run the house properly. But Tessa is too lazy to take up a job, and when she had a job before marriage she often made other employees do the work for her. Though she can contribute meaningfully towards the expenditure of their household, she doesn’t even bother applying for any jobs. And just like her husband, resorts to ‘weaponised incompetence’ to avoid responsibility. This is a form of manipulation, as she is using her perceived incompetence to avoid contributing her fair share in the expenses.

A parent may use weaponized incompetence as a means of evading their parental duties. By appearing clueless, they can avoid taking an active role in their child’s upbringing and focus on things they love. This attitude is harmful, as it creates an imbalance and all the responsibilities regarding raising a child will fall on one partner. Once a young mother complained to me about how difficult it is for her to stay up late at night to console her crying baby while her better half sleeps peacefully in the other room. When she complained about how sleep-deprived she was, his reply was “I honestly don’t know how to put a crying baby to sleep, it’s a mother thing, isn’t it?”

In some families, a member may use weaponized incompetence as a way of avoiding conflict. By appearing to be unable to understand or engage in discussions, they may create a stalemate that prevents resolution. Imagine two siblings having a discussion on how to handle their elderly parents’ medical care. If the sister keeps coming up with lines such as, “I don’t really know what’s best for them”, “I have to take care of my husband and kids”, or “You are better with doctors and you understand all those medical jargon properly”, to appear incapable of contributing meaningfully to the conversation. Her words make her brother frustrated and confused. Thereby, she deliberately avoided a conflict and overlooked her duties as a daughter and a sister. Her manipulative behaviour prevents any resolutions from being reached. It also places the whole burden of making a decision on the other sibling.

So, how can you avoid being a victim of weaponised incompetence? One way is to establish clear roles and duties for each family member and make sure everyone understands what is expected of them. This can help prevent a person from using incompetence as an excuse for not fulfilling their obligations. Next, ensure that each family member is held accountable for their actions and responsibilities. If someone in your family is using incompetence as a weapon, do not enable or justify their bad behaviour at any cost, instead, patiently help them to find solutions to their problems. Above all, set a good example by modelling exemplary behaviour and taking responsibility for your own actions. This can help prevent others from using incompetence as an excuse.

Remember, nothing good can come out of weaponised incompetence, and all it can do is damage relationships and erode trust.

Melanie Ann George🌼