Katie and Leo are two bright, beautiful children growing up in a warm and loving home. Time flies, they enter teenage— the age of tantrums, eye rolls and slammed doors. Slowly, their differences begin to surface. Katie, the older sibling, often complains of the unfair curfew; she had to be home by 6, while Leo is allowed to stay out until 8. Leo fires back that he’s constantly compared to Katie’s academic record in school and at home. Katie, reminds him of how she did not get a smartphone until she was 18, but Leo got one when he was barely 15. A few years ago, when Katie watched a few videos to relax her mind before preparing for an exam, her dad scolded her for being careless, lazy and gave her a long lecture about the importance of studying rather than wasting time. Yet today, the same dad sits beside Leo as he plays video games the night before his exam—encouraging him to unwind and relieve stress. How could the same man be both storm and sunshine? In theory, siblings grow up under the same roof with the same parents, but the question is, do they experience the same parents? The answer is not as simple as it seems.
Parental Differential Treatment (PDT) refers to situations where parents treat their children differently in terms of attention, discipline, affection, privileges and support. These differences may be intentional or unintentional, and children may or may not perceive them as fair or justified. According to Amanda Kowal and Laurie Kramer, “Although parents may desire to treat children equitably, it is often appropriate and necessary for parents to treat children differentially because of differences in individual children’s ages, maturity levels, and needs.” Several factors contribute to the occurrence of PDT, and this article seeks to explore these underlying influences to better understand how and why such treatment unfolds within family dynamics.
I first came across the concept of PDT in the Bible. The Bible narrative of Isaac and Rebekah explicitly details the unequal affection they had for their twin sons, Esau and Jacob.
“And Isaac loved Eʹsau because it meant game in his mouth, whereas Re·bekʹah loved Jacob.” (Genesis 25:28)
Isaac favoured Esau, drawn to his skill as an adventurous hunter and his ability to provide a game that Isaac relished. In contrast, Rebekah preferred Jacob, possibly due to his quieter nature and presence at home, aligning more closely with her disposition. Research published in PubMed explored how personality similarity or shared characteristics between parents and children affect parenting style. The study found that mothers were more likely to provide autonomy support to children whose personalities closely matched their own, particularly in traits like agreeableness and conscientiousness. So, if your sibling has personality traits similar to your mother, it is likely that she will choose to engage in more compassionate parenting behaviors with them. That is why Rebekah loved Jacob more; he closely mirrored her personality. Her favouritism is further highlighted in Genesis 27, where Isaac intends to bless Esau, his favoured son, but Rebekah, preferring Jacob, orchestrates a deception to ensure Jacob receives the blessing instead.
Interestingly, some studies have shown that fathers tend to invest more time and resources in children who resemble them physically. Yes, there is a chance that your Daddy would love you a little more if you look like him! Since mothers give birth, they are certain of their biological link, but physical resemblance can unconsciously reinforce a sense of genetic connection or relatedness in fathers. When parents see their own features reflected in their child’s face, it is a reminder that a part of them lives on in someone they deeply love. But, if parents favor the child who resembles them, it can leave the other siblings feeling unseen, unloved, or less connected. While there may be a subtle, unconscious bias towards children whose facial features resemble a parent, it is not a universal truth — there might be some parents who may show more affection or feel closer to the child who looks like them, but most parents strive to love and support each child uniquely and fully.
Even if there is an absence of personality or physical similarities, parents may also unconsciously tailor their parenting style based on each child’s character and temperament. According to a longitudinal study by de Haan et al.(2012), “neurotic children elicit less parental warmth, whereas agreeable and open children may encourage more parental warmth.” Imagine an obedient and cooperative child who does not cause much trouble to the parents. Such a child may be easier to manage and raise, and might receive more affection and positive reinforcement from parents. Meanwhile, a more rebellious or emotionally intense child may trigger stricter discipline or more frequent criticism—not because they are less loved, but because their behaviour demands more correction. Over time, this can lead to one child feeling favoured while the other feeling unfairly treated. This is not always intentional favouritism—it is often a response to different needs—but it still creates dissimilar experiences for children.
Furthermore, parents who strongly believe in traditional gender roles often show gender-based differential treatment. A research into the dynamics of Mexican American families reveals that “parents may subscribe to traditional ideals about the social roles of women and men.” In more traditional Mexican American families, daughters may receive more protection (control) and affection (warmth) than sons. Such parents often give more household responsibilities to daughters and more privileges or resources to sons. Recognizing the influence of such gendered expectations, many parents are trying to be positive role models through challenging gender stereotypes. Today, many fathers take part in cooking and household chores, while many mothers actively engage in outdoor sports with their children. Such actions not only break harmful stereotypes but also foster a more equal, respectful, and supportive environment for children to thrive.
The study conducted by Hotz and Pantano (2015) concluded that parents are less likely to punish younger children for bad grades compared to older children. Why are the same parents who were strict and cautious with their firstborn more flexible with their younger children? When raising their first child, most parents are young and inexperienced, uncertain and anxious. They may enforce strict curfews, set high expectations, and may even be less tolerant of mistakes. Firstborns are frequently expected to be role models and might face more pressure to succeed academically or behave responsibly. But by the time their second or third child arrives, parents have learnt what works and what doesn’t. Their confidence has grown, they realise that some rules they imposed on their first kid were not neccesaary at all and gradually their parenting style often becomes more flexible. They become less reactive to minor issues, and more trusting of their children’s ability to handle situations independently. And should it come as a surprise that, after gaining first-hand parenting experience, most parents tend to relax rules for the younger siblings? Not at all! In fact, younger children often grow up with fewer boundaries, as parents evolve and become more tolerant by then. However, the opposite can happen if permissive, easygoing parents see their firstborn making serious mistakes; they might try to prevent them in the younger child by setting stricter rules.
Another major factor contributing to the differential treatment of each child is the changing circumstances—especially financial ones. Multiple researches have concluded that economic hardship can exacerbate stress levels among parents, potentially leading to adverse outcomes for children. Gabrielle Preston points out that financial struggle “renders ‘good’ parenting more difficult and, indeed, reduces the impact that positive parenting can have.” If parents are economically struggling during the birth of their firstborn, this child may grow up in a more disciplined and modest environment accustomed to budget constraints, fewer toys and tours, and an emphasis on responsibility and sacrifice. In contrast, if parents become financially stable by the time the next child is born, the younger sibling might enjoy more material comforts, better schooling, frequent outings, and a generally more relaxed lifestyle. The older child may feel resentful, believing their sibling is being “spoiled.” While financial improvement is a blessing, it often leads to uneven childhood experiences under the same roof, where one child feels raised with discipline and restraint, and another with abundance and warmth.
Similarly, major life events such as divorce, job loss, relocation, or the death of a relative can dramatically reshape the emotional climate of a household. For instance, if a family moves to a new place—parents face new pressures: adapting to unfamiliar environments, finding jobs, building networks, and helping children adjust. These challenges can cause parents to become more stressed, distracted or lenient. This pressure can lead to long working hours, which may result in parents missing out on valuable time with their children and leading to weaker parent-child bonding. As a result, a child raised before the move might remember a more structured and attentive upbringing, while a younger sibling growing up afterwards may experience greater freedom and less hands-on parenting, not because the parents are deliberately neglecting the child, but solely due to the fact the parents are busy adapting to the new circumstances.
Sometimes parents forget that each child is different. They may assume that what worked for the first should work for the others. Parents have already experienced things once with the oldest, so they naturally use them as reference points when new but similar situations come up with younger kids. When parents try to implement the approaches that worked for their first child to their second, they are often turning a blind eye to the fact that their children are not photocopies of each other. If the older child easily followed routines, managed homework independently, and thrived in academics and extracurriculars, parents might expect the same from the younger sibling. But if the younger child is more energetic or struggles with focus, the parents may feel frustrated and might end up saying things like, “Why can’t you be like your older brother?” What parents forget is that the younger child is not misbehaving —he just has a different personality and learning style. The gentle encouragement and minimal guidance that worked for the older child may not be enough for the younger one. Assuming the same approach will work for both can lead to unfair comparisons and frustration on both sides.
Finally, perception plays a powerful role. Even when treated similarly, siblings may interpret parental actions in different ways based on their personalities, dispositions and emotional sensitivities. One child may view discipline as overly harsh and unnecessary, while another sees it as fair and essential. Some children may view unsolicited advice from parents as a gesture of love and concern, while others see it as an interference in their personal affairs. These internalized perceptions contribute to how each sibling remembers their parents. As a result, siblings like Katie and Leo don’t just grow up with each other—they grow up with different versions of their parents; Katie may feel that her parents are strict, while Leo may feel that his parents are open-minded. One meaningful way parents can show love for their children is by clearly defining household rules, explaining why those rules exist, and outlining the consequences of disobedience. Rather than forcing children to obey rules, teach them how to benefit from doing what is right. This approach can help them see that you’re not being overprotective or unfair, but rather fulfilling your role as a responsible and caring parent.
Unfortunately, parents create a noticeably different parenting environment for each child, sometimes even without realising it. Ultimately, “how each sibling has different parents” is less about favoritism and more about the fluid, dynamic nature of family life. Parenting styles shift with time, experience, and circumstances. Most children who acknowledge that PDT happens in their homes, do not feel that it is unfair. But several studies have proven that those children who perceived parental favouritism have lower self-esteem, anxiety or depression, strained relationships with their parents and sibling rivalry. The saddest part? Many only come to understand the reasons behind why parents treated each child differently much later in life—sometimes when it feels too late to heal old wounds. For some, these realisations may come after they become parents themselves, while others may carry resentment into adulthood, never realizing the full picture. Why spend precious years of family life harbouring bitterness towards your parents over what may have been a misunderstanding?
A simple truth that can help children change their outlook towards their parents is the fact that parenting is not a perfected skill—it’s a journey of trial, error, and growth, where parents are learning just as much as their children are. Parents may be raising their second or third child—but they are still parenting each one for the very first time. After all, each child is unique, with their own needs, personality, and challenges that no amount of past experience can fully prepare parents for. Recognizing this truth can deepen our understanding of relationships, not just within families, but across generations.
So, I will end this article with a simple question: if your parents are still learning how to parent you, can you be as patient with them as you wish they were with you?
Melanie Ann George
Melanie Ann 