The Highest Form of Friendship: Aristotle’s Ideal

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art; it has no survival value; rather, it is one of those things which give value to survival.” This quote on friendship by C.S Lewis is incontestable. Friendship goes beyond a social convenience, it’s an essential ingredient for true happiness in our lives. While we can live without friendship, life would lose much of its meaning without it. But, does every friendship give you happiness? Why do some bonds last forever and others fade over time? And what is the most meaningful form of friendship? Every individual, at some point in their lives, will eventually realise that answers to these questions are worth knowing.

Have you observed how people become heartbroken when their friends slowly become strangers? Often, this sorrow stems from our narrow, preconceived notion of what friendship truly is. Most people assume that there is only one kind of friendship. And this idea is reinforced by movies and TV shows that portray friendship as something that will last forever. Even when friends drift apart as their lives take different directions, they will almost always reconnect in the end; just to leave the viewers satisfied. But, is that the reality? Aristotle, who believed that “Friendship is one of the most indispensable requirements of life,” distinguishes three distinct forms of friendship in Nicomachean Ethics. If your goal is to build a lasting friendship, or to identify one that may not endure, Aristotle’s observations can provide valuable insights for understanding the difference.

The first form of friendship is the friendship of utility. These friendships are formed because each person receives some benefit. When I was in high school, I had a friend with whom I practiced Accountancy problems. We used to meet each other even during study leave for practise. We both were looking for the same thing: some company to learn ‘a dreadfully dry subject’ (this is how I described Accountancy in my journal in 2015). After the final exams, we disappeared from each other’s life. In college, I had another friend whom I used to tutor before exams so that I could strengthen my memory. In doing so, I benefited a lot because recalling what I learnt during the exam became easier and she received my personal notes which often took months to prepare. After the final exams, we barely contacted each other. When the same happened with my workplace friends, I was no longer surprised because by that time what Aristotle said, made more sense.

If you frequently end up paying the bills when you and your friends hang out, and you gladly do so to gain the approval of your gang or to display your wealth or in the hope of building connections, chances are that your friends value your money more than your company. Once they start earning enough, you may no longer be included. If you own a vehicle, some friends may stick around mainly because you give them rides and you badly want someone to talk to while driving. But when they no longer need lifts, they drift away. Friends may include you in their circle because you have a big house or are willing to host gatherings. When someone else offers the same, the bond shifts.

But it isn’t always the rich and smart who are taken advantage of in the name of friendship. Imagine a rich person who looks down on the lifestyle or standards of people of lower economic standing. If such a person chooses to befriend someone less wealthy, it is often because they see some benefit to gain from the relationship. Sometimes the rich become friends with the poor for loyalty, or services or even to feel superior in the relationship—to have more control over situations. For instance, in The Great Gatsby, Tom Buchanan maintains relationships with people of lower social class. His friendships aren’t based on mutual respect but on the convenience of having people around who reinforce his dominance or serve his interests. In George Orwell’s Animal Farm, Napoleon, the pig who becomes a dictator, surrounds himself with other animals like the dogs and Squealer, who was a brilliant talker “who could turn black into white.” Napoleon keeps them close not because he values them as equals, but because their loyalty ensures his dominance over the rest of the farm. In one of my recent reads, Yellowface by R.F Kuang, the ‘literary darling’ Athena Liu, a highly successful writer befriends June Hayward the ‘literally nobody’ but wannabe writer whom she considered ‘a loser.’ Why? Here’s a line from the book: “Don’t we all want a friend who won’t ever challenge our superiority, because they already know it’s a lost cause?” Yes, Athena wanted the validation of having a loyal admirer who would never threaten her status.

I am not insinuating that the people with fewer resources always have selfish motives and the affluent or successful ones are always manipulative. But all these examples show exactly what Aristotle warned. According to Aristotle, “those who love each other for their utility do not love each other for themselves but in virtue of some good which they get from each other.” Therefore, in a friendship of utility when that mutual benefit ends, the friendship usually dissolves. So, the next time someone is trying hard to establish a friendship with you, take some time to ponder over the underlying reasons for their desire to be in your company. Are they drawn to ‘you’ or the ‘benefits’ you bring? At times, we may find ourselves in friendships of utility, but it’s important to remember that such bonds are never meant to last forever. So when they do end, don’t waste your time in frustration; accept it as natural and move on.

The second form of friendship, according to Aristotle, is the friendship of pleasure. These are friendships grounded in shared enjoyment. “There are no faster or firmer friendships than those formed between people who love the same books” is a famous quote by Irving Stone. Back in school, I had the privilege of representing my school in story-writing competitions every year. And each year, I traveled alongside the girl who represented our school in poetry writing and a boy who represented us in essay writing. During those journeys, with their long hours of waiting, and shared meals, the three of us often discussed about the books we loved. And like Irving Stone observed, we quickly became friends like those boys in Dead Poets Society whose friendship bloomed around the thrill of secret meetings and poetry recitations. But, when one of my friends opted Architecture and the other Law after school, they found it difficult to allocate time for reading and our friendship gradually came to a halt.

Now think about the co-curricular classes you took in school. When I was in school I had a close-knit group of friends in my piano, embroidery, art and craft, basketball, rollerskating and drama classes. Since co-curricular activities spanned for about two hours every week, I have countless memories with these people. However, as I lost interest in these activities, I gradually stopped talking to these friends. In college, I’ve observed how the funny, entertaining people often attract peers, even from other departments. I have also befriended a ‘funny one’ because she always lightened the mood with her jokes. For years, she made me laugh but we never had a deep conversation, not even once. This is again a friendship of pleasure; people stick around for amusement, not for the person’s true character.

Friendship of pleasure often grow quickly and feel intense because of the excitement of common passions. But they last only as long as the shared activity or interest does because these connections are based on fun, not deep character. These friendships may create an illusion of depth because of the shared excitement, laughter and good times. The problem is, when people mistake this illusion for something more enduring, they can feel hurt when the other person moves on. So, do not be surprised if you gradually lose touch with your gym buddy, library mate, travel companion, fellow gamer, or club friend. And as Aristotle predicted, such friendships are bound to dissolve once the pleasure fades. You only liked them in certain contexts, and that is perfectly fine.

Aristotle notes that “Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue.” The highest and most enduring type, in the eyes of Aristotle, is the friendship of virtue. Virtue is the general quality of being morally good. These friendships are not based on amusement or usefulness but on mutual admiration of each other’s character and the values they believe in. A striking example is the bond between David and Jonathan, often hailed as one of the greatest friendships in history. Even though they were brothers-in-law, their affection for each other began well before David married Jonathan’s sister. What drew them together was not family ties but similar personalities and shared values. First, let us analyse their personalities. 2 Samuel 1:23 describes Jonathan as, “swifter than the eagles and mightier than the lions.” He was a courageous warrior and an exceptionally skilled archer. And what about David? David was also “a courageous, mighty warrior.” (1 Samuel 14:18) Both men were not only brave; from other scriptures we learn that both of them were humble, loyal, selfless and had respect for authority. These shared qualities formed the foundation of their friendship. Shared virtues like courage, honesty, kindness, or integrity create a sense of trust. When we see a quality we admire in ourselves reflected in another person, we are naturally drawn to them.

But, is sharing a few personality traits enough for a long-lasting friendship? Jonathan was a man of strong faith in his God, Jehovah, and when David defeated Goliath by putting his trust in Jehovah, Jonathan recognised in David the same faith he himself possessed. After this incident, despite their thirty-year age difference, “Jonathan loved him as his own soul.”(1 Samuel 18:1) Yes, the two became inseparable because of their common devotion or shared faith. Now think of the beautiful friendship between Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. They both have different personalities, the former is eccentric and the latter is steady and compassionate. Yet, they could be good friends because their friendship rests on shared convictions such as pursuit of truth and justice. Both believed that truth must be uncovered, no matter how complex the mystery and they are motivated not by money or fame but by the conviction that wrongs must be corrected. The old saying, ‘birds of a feather flock together,’ proves true here: we are naturally drawn to those who share our deepest values, and such friendships endure through every trial.

One of my all-time favourite fictional characters Jane Eyre describes her friend Helen Burns as someone who “was qualified to give those who enjoyed the privilege of her converse a taste of far higher things.”A genuine friend is someone who inspires you to grow, as Helen did for the fiery and rebellious Jane by teaching her the value of patience and forgiveness. Their bond was based on deep admiration for each other’s character and a mutual love for intellectual discussions. Helen showed Jane that life is not just about justice in the present world, but also about hope, faith, and higher purpose which shaped Jane’s soul. Even after Helen’s death, Jane carries this perspective with her and it helps her greatly during her later struggles in life. It shows how virtue-based friendships can be short in time but deep in their influence. A true friend isn’t just someone who keeps you company, but someone who helps you grow into a better version of yourself.

One of the most beautiful aspects of a friendship of virtue is the absence of comparison, competition and jealousy. Jonathan was the son of King Saul, the next heir to the throne. But God selected David as the next king of Israel. How did Jonathan react when he realised that he was not going to be a King? Did he grow jealous or resentful of his beloved friend David? This was Jonathan’s words to David, “You will be king over Israel, and I will become second to you.” (1 Samuel 23:17) Rather than competing with David, he supported him wholeheartedly. In a friendship of virtue, genuine love and respect for your friend’s character make you want to see them flourish. Therefore, your friend’s success does not diminish you, instead, their achievement reflects on you too. There is no room for comparison or envy because you experience their joy as if it were your personal victory.

Moreover, as Aristotle observed, “A friend of all is a friend to none.” Genuine friendship involves a kind of chosen loyalty. When you pour your energy into trying to make as many connections as possible, you are wasting your precious time on people who do not deserve it. Think of the ‘fair-weather friends’ trope seen in movies such as Mean Girls, or the ‘sycophants’ in Cruella, where the side characters befriend the popular character for perks and social advantages. But as soon as that power, money, or prestige disappears, so do they. But in a friendship of virtue, you value the person for who they are, not for what they give you. Unlike pleasure or utility-based friendships, they don’t fade when circumstances change. If your friend falls ill, loses wealth, or grows old, you remain because what you cherish is their true self. In fact, the only ‘pressure’ you will ever feel in such a friendship is simply to be yourself and that alone is enough.

In today’s world of fleeting social connections, the challenge is not only to find such friends but also to become one yourself. Cultivate qualities that you are seeking in a friend. If you are someone looking for a friend to grow old with, ask yourself: how many of my current friendships are grounded on virtue? Do not feel guilty about stepping away from people who do not align with your values. Friendships of virtue take longer to form and can only exist with a few number of people, but once established, they are resilient. For in the end, it is not the number of friends we gather, but the depth and quality of those rare, virtuous bonds that make life more beautiful.